Settlin' in to this bloggin' thin'

I'll give myself a "tawpik":

Russill Paul asks you today: "What are the sounds of space?" and
Hazrat Inayat Khan says to you: "All mystery is hidden in name."
Now, these are fully and neither about space and/or names. Are not these koans?

Discuss.

In a minute. I needs must do some other processing.

I had such anxiety the night before last about all that I had posted. I thought I was casting negative, depressed, complainey vibes into the "blogosphere" (a term the priest at the Cathedral used in his sermon yesterday) that could boomerang and bite my ass. I've really got to stop eating past 8pm and drinking caffeine past 3pm - otherwise my mind races and my body gets all funky.

But my dear friend "Golden" called me today with such encouragement, saying that I'm being courageous. It is also really helpful to know my friend Eve is being sure to let me know that she keeps an eye out for me on this as well. And, of course, there's Penny. The most courageous blog-queen ever, who inspired me to do this. I feel that my process is being witnessed by twinkly cyber angels and spirits of mercy and I believe I've done a good thing for myself. I am blessed to have such compassionate hands, eyes, ears and hearts holding me in this.

Plus, I have been waking up these past 2 mornings with melodies that stay long enough in my head that I've been able to record them into my digital recorder. This to me is a very good sign as a songwriter. I often dream of compositions and wake-up completely forgetting everything I heard.

I've come a long way, I think. I grew up singing pop and easy listening karaoke to please my family. When I was in highschool in Texas and singing in the choir, my choir teacher quickly facilitated a revelation of my lack of awareness and skill in breathing. It was frustrating and I did not really deal with it until years and years later. But now, using, musing my breath is my spiritual practice. I have also progressed in my purpose for making music. While I do yearn for recognition of my musicianship, I really do hope that my presence, spirit and music vibes can offer a positive contribution to the soundtrack consciousness of our lives.

I have progressed on some of the goals and steps that I've listed, so here they are:

1. My former therapist in Boston recommended I make music central to my life and I believe I have begun that process, not only through the blog, but through a list I wrote on poster board. It reminds me that my name means "the truthful one," and about all the things that I sing about (like facing fear and the power of gratitude (my purpose) ) and that I ultimately sing to/for "the Beloved".


2. I found a wonderful networking tool. In my local "village voice"-ish type publication. There is an online resource I found that lists all the bands in the county. You can find out what other bands that the lead musicians played with and also file lists by genre. I discovered a very interesting experimental/world vocalist that is giving a concert in two weeks and found another band that uses instruments that I would love in my band.


3. I got positive about a musician I connected with recently. An owner of a music posted an ad in craigslist about needing a singer to record a demo for a pop/rock musical that he was writing. I wrote to the guy, sent him my resume and a couple of tracks and then realized afterwards that the sounds of my originals would definitely not showcase my ability to sing in the style that he described. I became overwhelmed when I decided to check out "Evanescence," which is one of the inspirations he listed. Holy cow. Here I was thinking I was all fierce and then I listened to her. At the same time, I have indeed reached every note I have heard her sing, I've belted just as high and long, but I definitely have not been focusing my sound in the way she does nor in the same style. Nevertheless, I realized it would take a lot of conditioning and practice before I would be in the "zone" of doing this stuff effortlessly and authentically. And what I learned is that I am still learning how to let go of the idea that I can sing anything, because in actuality, I don't want to sing everything, I'm tired of competing with other singers and I really don't need to anymore. I think I just grew up thinking that I had to prove myself as better than anyone I was compared to (Lea Salonga, for example, the bane of my existence in my 20s). Anyway, the guy said that he thought I had "a lot of strengths" but that he would use a singer that he has worked with in the past. I really wanted to go to this resort that he said he'd be going to and brag to all my friends that I had gotten a gig, so I was bummed. What has been getting me is that I'm just not really all that young anymore. It doesn't work to throw things together anymore. It doesn't suit me to think that I can do everything. So, great lesson learned. And I discovered an amazing band that I'm shocked I did not follow. And I think I will actually get what I needed out of this connection. I wrote the guy an email saying that I was working on a musical, that I was new-ish to town and that I wanted to simply network and connect with other musicians. That email, because my files were too big, actually never got to him. But, the guy did say on his email that he would like me to come by his studio when he returns from his session and gave me the date that he'd be back. I've got to remember that Penny said that I should play for whoever will listen. So, maybe this guy will listen.
4. Ha, I discovered something that I have going for me: I'm single and have no attachments. I own nothing (no house, no car - if I needed to stop using the one I'm driving, all I'd have to do is give it back to my folks), I have no job that keeps me obligated and no romantic tie or child tie that I would need to consider in my efforts. In regards to the job situation, I do pray that I will have to consider it because my music needs funding right now to really advance, but everything else...is actually a blessing. I have wings. I also believe that the more use those wings, the easier it will be to cross paths with a potential partner who shares similar values and who appreciates and even compliments the dreams I hope to pursue. I think my happily partnered friends would agree with this. One morning a few weeks ago, I woke up with a decision to love my life as it was, to chose every moment and situation before me and to hold it as a delight and treasure. That day I wrote 2 and half songs and the outline to my musical. I wonder what I ate the night before.
5. I have decided to pick a goal on my list that I will focus on completing: to record a 3 song demo of my best pieces. It will cost about $150 to do this with a very cool producer in town, who gave me a quote weeks ago. It will also cost $105 for the official copyright. Until I have raised these funds or found a good reason to ask my dad or relatives for a loan for this, I will rehearse the crap out of these 3 songs and will sing focus on singing them in my first open mic.
6. I have discovered some new venues that I can focus on: Yoga studios, coffee shops (I found out that there is a whole gigging circuit for these in my city) and at friend's homes (home concerts). Wow, impulsive move did I, but I just now emailed my old friend and her theatre company and asked if they would support my talent by having me perform as a pre-show act before their next event/show. Bingo, another venue: theatre company performances.
7. I alphabetized and filed all my bills. I made a list of everything, besides my student loans and daddy bank loans, that I owe. It's about $9,200, with about $2,200 that is on personal credit. It feels good to know what I've got and that the amount really is not high enough for bankruptcy to make sense. I'm going to get a copy of my credit report in the next week and a half.
8. I am reminded that being overweight does not necessarily have to be something that I don't have going for me. What I need to remember to be clear about is that obesity is a health issue and my weight for my height makes me obese. What I can be grateful for is that most people would not consider me as obese. And many people would not even call me fat. That is just a proportionate distribution of my fat and good camouflaging sense. In any case, I only need a purpose, an image, in my work as a performing artist. And some of the things that I said that I sing about is reclaiming power, reclaiming beauty, authenticity and justice. I started to write a song the other night about my size and I'm going to use it, with all the chunks, to give my act some spice.

I have been thinking on an idea that I held while I was considering becoming a ministerial professional (a cleric). I considered the question that a favorite mentor would pose in his sermons: "What is your priesthood?" He really believed in the idea of the "priesthood of all" and that we all are called to transformative leadership. This idea has been my guiding force for the last nine years. The idea that came forward in my ministry discernment process was this: Should I do my music through the priesthood? Or should I do my priesthood through my music? Now, I've done a lot of church music by now. I've directed choirs, composed pieces, sung chants and gospel solos. And these things feel a part of my grain now as a musician, but I think I finally have the answer. That I ask what my priesthood is rather than ask whether or not I am one. I am one. I believe my lifeblood runs through the path of living my priesthood through my music. I can certainly do the other, live my music through my priesthood, just as I can live theatre and teaching and writing and counseling and community service through my priesthood. All the more reason why I believe it is that I do my priesthood through my music. Just as I can do theatre, teaching, writing, counseling, community service, loving, sharing, being vulnerable, being truthful, healing through my music.

"All mystery is hidden in name."

"You are what you say you are." A Jewish mysticism professor gave a talk in his class at Harvard Divinity School. I tried the class for 2 sessions and I would have stayed with it, if I felt that I could keep up with the reading and writing. He spoke about the name of God and how sacred it was to utter "Yahweh". God was a proper noun. In time, God became a verb. He taught me that God to us has become a result of our supplications instead of as the omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent One. This is pretty standard "secret" stuff, I think. Hazrat Inayat Khan also says, "In faith is the secret fulfillment or nonfulfillment of every thought." Name holds the vibration of whatever name is given.

"What are the sounds of space?"

I have been thinking a lot about sacred practice as a songwriter. When I have taught meditation recently, I have been guiding people to pay attention to the sounds within and around them. I was also asked to write for a teaching booklet about a new approach to church music that I co-developed. In it, I wrote about the drones, hums, rhythms, grooves of life. Sting also talks about writing from his awareness of the sounds of nature. It is bliss to listen. To appreciate the hum of the electric fan or the sounds of leaves clinking like the crystals of a chandelier when it is being moved, or simply to hear the sound behind the sound behind the sound of quiet.