Eve 1 - Things To Sort Out

"You only find what you seek."

Okay, so I have no idea if this blog will be of help to anyone at any point, but I feel that I just need to do this - to help me.

First part is therapy. Second part, practical.

I wrote to another good friend today about my goings on lately, especially around music. She lives in Korea and has been singing and playing on a regular basis. I remember that she performed on the street for a little while and have been holding her as this courageous person. We used to share songs together in my dorm room at seminary and I preached at her sister's wedding. One might think of her as pretty shy and quiet, but in actuality, she's a firecracker. I wrote to her that I am still chicken, chicken, chicken shit and that it's fitting, then, that I call my guitar, "Chicken." I stole the name from a friend, who said she would call her little dog "Chicken" and I guess she stole it from the actor Liev Schriber who actually has a dog who he calls "Chicken." I wonder where he stole it from. The chicken or the egg?

The first song my friend ever sang for me is a song she wrote about fried chicken. In 2006, around July 4, I had my landlord take me to the emergency room after I had eaten an entire bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. I woke up at 3am with this pressure in my chest. They tested my blood, gave me an x-ray and had me sit for hours in the hospital. They found nothing. But when I was at the moment where I couldn't touch my toes because of the pressure, I reasoned with God and said, is this your way of telling me that I shouldn't become a priest? Okay, I said, "I'll sing, I'll sing." I vowed never to eat fried chicken again and was absolutely successful at it for almost 2 years. I have been eating a lot of fried chicken lately. In fact, I had a bunch today.

After my first post and email to my friend in Korea, I drafted 4 scenes of a musical that I have been working on. I've had the story since 1997. It's a segment of a children's story my ex-husband wrote and he gave me permission to use it. When I was in grad school for classical theatre, I wanted to create a theatre piece in tribute of our movement teacher. I enrolled almost everyone in my class to participate in the project, but at the end of the semester I was kicked out of the program.

They cut me, but told me it was that I did not meet their requirements and yet, I could use them as a reference and that I could tell anyone that it was my choice to leave the program. Strange thing. The head of the program has indeed written me several recommendations and is one of my sweetest contacts. I was bitter about it for a long time, though.

I also didn't graduate with everyone from highschool. My English teacher flunked me. This was the class that I chose to take because I didn't want to be in AP English. But I also didn't want to finish my homework. She flunked me for not finishing a paper. It was humiliating not to walk. I was a rebel, but I was ashamed about it, especially since my boyfriend was this AP student who was about to go to the Naval Academy.

And I did not graduate with everyone from undergrad. My liberal arts teacher flunked me for not finishing a paper. He really liked me, though. I wrote some good papers for him and I participated well in class discussions. He believed in my intelligence, but I just didn't make the grade. My parents came to the graduation and they did not let me forget how embarrassed they were of me that I was not included in the group that was getting their degree.

I lost my scholarship in undergrad. I also lost my scholarship for graduate acting school. I also lost my scholarship to theological school and I did not finish my MA in Theology and the Arts.

I have a pattern of things unfinished. It's my shame.

So that I started these 4 scenes is a good sign to me. I'm outing myself, even if no one ever reads this blog. I've already begun my criticisms about how I just cranked the scenes out and how there are speeches that need to be written, but whatever. This thing will finish however way it will finish.

Now here's my practical segment. I have been making lots of excuses for why I have not been sharing my music. So, I'm going to outline my goals, things that I have going for me and things that I don't have going for me.

Practical goals

• Perform at one open mic per week beginning the week of July 19.
• Save money for a 3 song demo that you can use to post on myspace, your blog, facebook and that you can give to clubs for gigs and other performers as an opening act.
• Get the first string on your guitar fixed so that it stops going out of alignment.
• Get guitar lessons
• Start playing the piano or atleast the keyboard again
• Get piano lessons
• Save for a raagini box
• Learn one song from all of your favorites and do one of these covers everytime you perform
• Look for a percussionist (tabla, doumbek, cahon, djembe, jazz kit, bells, gongs)
• Look for a bass player (upright and electric)
• Look for a keyboard/electronica person
• Look for a gamelan player
• Loof for a Brazilian jazz and pop guitarist
• Look for a jazz/pop/Stevie Wonder-esque pianist
• Look for a Brazilian jazz and pop guitarist
• Look for a sitar player
• Learn to speak tagalog more fluently
• Learn to speak portuguese
• Learn sacred words and phrases in different languages
• Look for 3 back-up singers
• Rehearse/practice every week
• I know I am a "renaissance soul" and am grateful to Margaret Lobenstine for her help in getting okay with the way I tick.

Unreasonable, outrageous goals & wishes

• Perform at Lilith Fair
  Perform at the Global Sound Conference
• Perform at the World Festival of Sacred Music in LA and Morocco
• Perform at the House of Blues in LA
• Perform at the Catalina Club in LA
• Perform at the Harmony Festival
• Perform at Joe's Pub in NYC
• Perform at the Blue Note in NYC
• Perform at Croce's in SD
• Perform at Anthology in SD
• Have my music played at Jamba Juice
• Have my music played at Starbucks
• Have my music featured on Putumayo
• Have my music featured on SoundsTrue
• Get signed by Narada
• Get signed by Real World
• Get signed by Six Degrees Records
• Get a Grammy
• Work with will.i.am
• Work with John Mayer
• Work with Sting
• Work with Sade
• Work with Krishna Das
• Work with Greg Ellis
• Work with Quincy Jones
• Sell a million albums

Things I have going for me

• I have clear, developed talent
• I am educated
• I have nice hair
• I have nice skin
• I meditate
• I pray
• I don't do and don't need drugs
• I don't do and don't need alcohol
• I don't do and don't need pot or cigarettes
• My father has offered me a loan to invest in my music
• I have professional experience as a performer in the theatre
• I have professional experience as a teacher and music director
• I have experience as a preacher and officiant of prayer services
• I have a lot of friends who really love and support me
• I am reflective
• I am conscious and conscientious
• I believe in the greater good
• I care about people
• I care about justice
• I have a little experience recording
• I already have songs written
• I have a lot of vocal training
• I have musical training
• I've received positive feedback as a performer
• I've received positive feedback as a singer/songwriter
• I've received encouragement from people who are my heroes, like Paulo Coelho and Sheila Chandra and Zacciah Blackburn
• I've receive positive feedback from my friends, family and colleagues
• I've receive positive feedback from strangers
• I've performed with incredibly talented and accomplished performers
• My family and friends love me
• I no longer obsess over guys who are uninterested or unavailable
• I no longer obsess over guys in general
• I practice yoga
• I believe in cleansing

Things I don't have going for me

• I am still angry, frustrated, hurt and turned around by the negative feedback I've gotten in my life.
• I am 5'4" (5' 3/4" actually) and I weigh 210 to 220 pounds.
• I have $100K in student loans that I have not been managing.
• I have $10K in debts that I have not been managing.
• I may have to file for bankruptcy.
• I am unemployed.
• I live with my parents.
• I drive a car that I do not own.
• I do not keep up with trends in music.
• I know very little about music production.
• I know very little about songwriting.
• I feel limited in my ability to rank in the music world.
• I have obligations with my family that I do not know how to manage.
• My stuff doesn't sound like anything on the radio.
• I haven't been in a long-term relationship for 9 years. I've only had 2 sexual relationships in this time and the longest one lasted 2 months.
• I eat. I eat a lot and I don't stop.
• I'm protective.
• I'm controlling.
• I overthink.
• I overdo it.
• I'm bossy.

Things I can work to eliminate what I don't have going for me

• I can write about my anger, hurt, frustration and turn arounds.
• I can make it a priority to find a therapist.
• I can make it a priority to go on a weight-loss and health plan.
• I can join overeaters anonymous.
• I can join debtors anonymous.
• I don't have to spend all my time drudging through the job hunting process.
• I can busk.
• I can advertise my consulting work.
• I can call around for openings in music stores and yoga studios.
• I can see about walking dogs.
• I can join a weight-loss group, like Jenny Craig or find something on meetup.
• I can find a walking buddy.
• I can file for bankruptcy and just own the choice.
• I can read all I can about music production and songwriting online or in bookstores or libraries.
• I can see if I can make friends with musicians and producers and songwriters and engineers and ask for tips and advice.
• I can only write and perform what is true for me right now.
• I can only offer where I am right now in my skills.
• I can journal my spending.
• I can journal my eating.
• I can start learning how to believe in compliments.
• I can start giving myself compliments.
• I can forgive the people in my life.
• I can forgive myself.
• I can work on the practical goals.
• I can keep praying and meditating.
• I can be more grateful.
• I can vision what I desire and act out, do some drama therapy, as if it were so.
• I can become more informed about my obligations and get clear about my limits.
• I can accept my limits.

Things I need to do

• I need to start seeing feedback from an audience as something that can help me to get better.
• I need to condition myself to keep going even when I am scared, tired, vulnerable.
• I need to condition myself to take every opportunity I have to perform my songs.
• I need to sing my songs to anyone who will listen.